A few months ago, I purchased a new rug for the lounge, in line with House of Commons expenses guidelines. Last Tuesday I returned from the supermarket (I believe it was Waitrose) where I had been purchasing my weekly groceries including the ingredients for a Butternut Squash Sundae Surprise.
It was a warm day and I had forgotten to wear any clothes.
Unfortunately, the new rug was a little slippery, placed as it was, atop the varnished and highly polished marble floor tiles.
As my foot began to slip in a forwards direction, I accidentally threw the shopping into the air, causing both the butternut squash and the margarine, to collide. As my feet continued to fly from under me, by now in unison, my bottom had the misfortune to land on the now lubricated item.
The orgasm which occurred some time later, was completely unrelated, caused as it was, when a friend telephoned to relay a particularly amusing story about a penguin.
I would like to make it perfectly clear, that I find the events of that day difficult to recall in detail. I had no prior knowledge of the events and I did not have sexual relations with that fruit, the Butternut Squash. That incident is now closed and we are all trying to move forward with our lives.
I am grateful for the support of my family and friends at this difficult time. I have no further statement to make.