How acupuncture helped me find my vagina

OK. Before you read any further, it would be remiss of me to not make you aware of a couple of things. Firstly, although this a true account, it is written slightly tongue-in-cheek. Secondly, I am and always have been, a male.

I have for a long while, suffered from something called “Cluster Headaches” and i recently had a really bad weekend, where i kinda lost the plot a bit and wrote a blog.

Well many people were kind enough to respond. Some with kind words and thoughts of sympathy, others with helpful suggestions from their own experiences. All of the responses were very gratefully received and carefully read.

Amongst them, was the suggestion to try Acupuncture. I knew nothing about Acupuncture although I’d had a couple of Acupuncture needles used on me in needle play and knew they were not painful. So, what could possibly go wrong?

On Monday morning i went to work, not really fully recovered and in fact during the morning became more and more ill. Knowing that I was stuck at work and wouldn’t be able to drive home I was desperate and in a lot of pain. So i decided to seek out some local Acupuncture treatment. I didn’t know if it would help, but i was seriously desperate and would willing try anything at that point. I was seriously thinking of asking someone who practices shiatsu if she would take a train out to me in Aylesbury.

So a quick web search shows a little Chinese medicine shop which offers treatments. So in i walk, in a fair amount of pain and feeling very ill.

I start to tell the lady what ails me and she immediately replies “Ah headaches, come this way”. In total, the consultation prior to treatment, lasted about one minute, during which time she looked at my tongue. But hey, i was desperate, i didn’t want to chat.

Shirt off and sitting on a stool, resting my head in front of me, she started to find out where it hurt the most. Her technique (or that of her art) was certainly not subtle. She buried her knuckle into my neck in a dozen different places. Most of them were very painful. A few had me reeling in agony since she’d ‘hit the spot’. It occurred to me that Acupuncture was indeed quite a brutal treatment. Maybe it was actually a martial art?

Having established her ‘targets’, she inserted a few Acupuncture needles. After inserting three into my neck, one on the top of my head, one on the opposite side of my neck, she put one each into each hand at the join of the thumb and first finger. Then she produces what was effectively, a tens box. She wired up two pairs of needles and started to pass a current, one down my neck and another just below it. She turned it up until it was at the maximum that i could stand. Then she got an old heat ray lamp and stood that so as to heat up the back of my neck and head. All in all, it was quite uncomfortable, but … i was desperate and had no idea what to expect. Then she told me she would leave me for 20 minutes, i was to keep still and call out if i needed her. I suppose i was a bit surprised to be left on my own. I wasn’t sure if i was going to remain conscious, but i figured, it’d do my best. I don’t like to disappoint.

After the allotted 20 minutes she returned and wired up another pair of needles, cranked up the ‘zap’ dial and toddled off for another 20 minute Chinese tea break. As anyone who’s played with a tens box will know, you eventually, and quite quickly, get used to the current and it’s hardly noticeable after a while. I’m not sure i can say the same about the turkey grill i was underneath though. “Thank god i don’t use an inflammable hair spray” i thought.

Time passed, i sizzled and eventually she came back to disconnect me from the National Grid and at the same time unpluck my Acu-bristles.

And then it happened.

Oh my great galloping mothers of all that’s holy and comestible.

Just to make sure that i really was totally cured, the knuckle grinding started again. Burying and screwing her knuckle into the side of my neck, each time asking if it was now better.

The fact that i was bouncing off the ceiling, screaming in agony and generally undergoing several simultaneous bodily functions, should have given her a clue, that perhaps, i was not completely healed. In other words, it felt no better at all, and her knuckle ‘ministrations’ seemed more evil than anything any Domme has ever done to me, including Mistress Eve and her Blue Peter “lets’ glue everything together” game.

Eventually she tired of this as an entertainment and deemed me better and ready to dress and pay up. Before going however, he reported that my tongue had told her that i a kidney disorder (which actually i sort of do – a bit). My Yin and my Yang were apparently unbalanced but she could sell me tablets that would sort that out. So i bought some and left.

Later, back at work, i of course decided to see what was in the tablets and so i consulted the geek gods of Wooki and Giggle. The tablets are a mixture of six ingredients. The first of which, would apparently resolve my vaginal dryness issues (which was initially a worry, as i didn’t realise that i had a vagina). The second ingredient would help to cure my heavy menstrual bleeding problems (presumably a common problem amongst newly discovered vagini). The third ingredient was used in 17th century Japan as a gay male lube. This was clearly not going to be of any use to me, since i had no intention of visiting Japan and in any case, i now had a new vagina to play with.

I have no idea whether the whole episode helped or not. This was the third day of a long cluster and was well overdue to end anyway. I’d also taken a lot of tablets of various sorts during the morning. So it was hardly a scientific test. But it might have helped, i don’t know. Certainly her tongue verdict i can easily understand since the tongue is a very good indication of all sorts of issues.

Would i go again? Probably not. The last thing i need when my neck and head are in pain, is someone burying their knuckles into them with all their might. I have no idea if that is typical Acupuncture practice, but I’m kinda nervous about trying it again. But at least I’ve tried it.

And I’ll keep taking the tablets, because i suspect she was certainly correct about the imbalance.

Now, anyone want to play with my new vagina?

About severin

Nobody special and what I write might not be to everyone's taste - it tends to be a bit naughty. so you've been warned.
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2 Responses to How acupuncture helped me find my vagina

  1. Woman says:

    Oh dear lord!!

    Well at least she spoke some English which is better than I’ve experienced!!!!

    I’ve never really suffered from headaches other than the salt or the sugar one so I don’t know how it works. I can say with honesty, that with acupuncture, cups, and scrapings, I was able to go about my normal life. One time I had a sciatic nerve thingie on both sides, and the second time I had two herniated discs. When I say I feel your pain… I feel your pain. I wasn’t even able to take pain meds, because I needed to know where my body told me to stop to prevent further issues.

    After one treatment, I could walk with little to no pain. There are many alternative treatment blog’s I’ve written focused around TCM if you are interested.

    I tell you what. Come on over for a visit, we’ll get your sorted out.

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