Well as every well-trained, obedient, submissive and bottom knows, they have the age-old rite, handed down by generations of tradition, to apply for the Enforced Extradition of their Domme for one week only, each year.
And so it was with a heavy heart and an overwhelming feeling of impending neglect and food-poisoning, that I decided to enforce my inalienable right and send Ingrid (the Illinoid Domme) away to recharge her Dommly batteries.
I have decided that as, this is for me at least, a new experience and to a certain extent, an experiment (after all, could i be sure she would return) that it is note-worthy of recording, in the form of a diary.
And so dear listener, i invite you to ‘check-in’ with me, just as she checks in with RustBucket Airlines, to chart the daily progress of my life – “Domme-Free” :). (Any smiley-face appearing at the end of that last sentence must surely be some sort of operating system error)!
Yes, as my lovely but blonde Domme lazies away in the sunshine, falls down drunk in the cocktail bars and terrorises all the local waiters, I invite you to share in my experiences, however sordid, however revolting.
Obviously, as the aforementioned “well-trained, obedient, submissive” my behaviour during her period of extradition will probably be impeccable and unimpeachable, bringing no taint of shame onto myself whatsoever. My character will doubtless remain unstained (and do feel free to finish that sentence yourselves). In other words, if you get an invitation to a wild party this week, don’t go posting great long threads on here about “How wonderful it all was” and “wasn’t that Sev a stud – the spunk flew everywhere” – OK)?
Of course i will not be entirely on my own during her enforced period of foreign detainment. I will have responsibilities. I am “Keeper of Beagles”, “Provider of Cat-Care” and “Feeder of Fish”. Actual real-life living (for now 😉 creatures will be relying on me for their very existence (and i’m NOT a vegetarian (insert maniacal laughter here)).
And so. How will Sev fill his days during this seven-day interregnum? Will he get up to mischief? Will he starve? Will he BBQ a beagle? Will he dance naked, nightly in front of the fish? Let’s see shall we?
Saturday 16th August – eDay-1
Although officially today is called “eDay-1” it could equally be called “Sev tries to look nonchalant whilst secretly scheming, day”. As I sit here now, lounging in the back garden, bucket of tea and Mini-Battenburg cake to hand, it’s hard to describe the scene unfolding within the walls behind me. The usual vista of grass, long-overdue for a trim, is obscured by the last-minute pre-holiday washing that’s wafting gently under the clouds. Behind me, the sound of ferocious packing in only drowned out by the whirr and bang of the washing machine, as yet more of the clothes_that_she_might_need_but_won’t_actually_wear are given their final bone-dry spin, prior to spending a night in the rain outside!
Oh yes, packing is well under way and Sev is helping – by staying outside and looking busy. Tomorrow I shall undertake the formal job of delivering the Illinoid for Extradition to the airport authorities and making whatever anonymous ‘phone calls i feel mischievous enough to make!
Oh yes, and of course i’m preparing myself for a lonely week, isolated, neglected, ney, abandoned and on my own. I’ve already ordered the well-known and popular self-help videos, “Home Alone” and “Home Alone 2”. I’m told I’ll get plenty of inspiration from them of how to pass the time. But your contributions are also welcome. Your suggestions encouraged. We could even have a daily phone-vote!
I have a strong suspicion that at some point this evening, i’ll be given some sort of ‘reminder’ to behave – an aide memoir if you will, of what might happen if i get up to mischief (or to be precise, if i get up to mischief and she finds out about it)!
Interestingly, I’ve just been informed that whilst She is away, i should consider myself able to use and consume anything in the house. Beagle burgers anyone?
Sunday 17th August – eDay 🙂 – whoops, i mean eDay 😦
Well it’s eDay and the sun is shining, bags are mostly packed and in a couple of hours, we shall be heading for the airport, specifically, the Illinoid Extradition Terminal. We won’t be doing the “Brief Encounter” style airport long goodbye scene, for one thing that would involve having to pay for the car park. No. I shall be adopting the “drive-by and eject” method of passenger disembarkation. It saves time and money but is in no way meant to convey any feelings of abandonment or sour grapes at not being taken on holiday too. Even as i speed away from the terminal leaving the Domly one amongst a pile of roadside cases, i’m sure i shall begin to miss her almost immediately. Unless i’ve already had breakfast of course.
The one thing that almost immediately springs to mind about this trip, is that because it was organised (and i use that word against my better judgement) at the last minute, i have had no time at all to make all the necessary plans and arrangements. The first thing i really need to sort out, is the emergency contact list. I need a list of people who can be called upon, should any of the following situations arise:
- A frozen ready meal’s instructions give more than one possible method of cooking it
- The dishwasher starts producing gallons of frothing foam despite me only putting in one cupful of washing up liquid
- All the whites i wash turn pink whilst i’m frantically searching for my other red sock
- I get lonely
- The beagles, tired of chips and cornflakes, try to kill me
Please use the ‘Reply’ button below to add your name to the emergency contact list.
Of course the other thing that occurred to me this morning, is that you the reader and i, probably have different expectations of this diary. Doubtless you want to be able to look back and chuckle as you say to your partner “Do you remember when Ingrid went away and there was that hilarious incident when the beagle got stuck in the microwave” or “Did you hear about the time that Sev washed his hair with Dog Flea Shampoo”. No wait. That last one actually happened. I on the other hand am hoping for a reasonably incident free week.
Unless i start feeling slutty. Another emergency situation. Another emergency contact list required.
Well the “drive-by and eject” approach worked really well – no car park fees = more beer money 🙂 Unfortunately, the thought of The Blonde One condemned to be cramped up into a tiny seat for several hours, filled me with sadness and melancholy. So i had to visit our naturist club and strip off and stretch out in the sunshine in an effort to overcome my gloom. It worked surprisingly quickly.
The Beagles of course have not yet realised that The Blonde One is not coming home. Little do they know, that now, they’re ALL MINE. Beagles are working dogs by tradition and i foresee many tasks over the coming week for the greedy four-legged spongers.
Monday 18th August – eDay+1
Well news has reached me from The Domly One, that she arrived safely, although had to queue for quite a while for a taxi at the airport. Of course if she’d taken her chauffeur, that wouldn’t have happened. But i’m not bitter. Anyway, she is, apparently, now in the lap of luxury in some gorgeous hotel, no doubt instructing the staff on her expectations of them for the next week. I predict strike action.
For me today was going reasonably well. Last night i was able to give myself that rarest of treats – a plate of cheese and onion crisp sandwiches. For some reason, i had quite a headache this morning, which has absolutely nothing to do with the kilos of gluten i swallowed just before bedtime. It’s merely a coincidence.
The next exciting moment of the day (and it’s only half over, so anything could still happen) came at lunchtime. You see i’m quite a domesticated sort of chap with many household chore skills – or “core chores” as i like to call them. And so i went around Domly Mansion emptying the bins and putting the rubbish outside. This was going extremely well. Until a beagle decided to push the front door shut and lock me out of the house. There followed what can only be described as a head-scratching moment. Fortunately, as She Who Whores me can testify, i am quite bendy and supple and a downstairs open window was just what i needed. i was able to break into the mansion quite easily, to be met by beagles, asking if we could play this game again please.
This evening i had my ‘Narnia’ moment. It wasn’t quite what i expected and to tell you the truth, it’s not somewhere i feel like venturing again any time soon. On this occasion it wasn’t the wardrobe which tempted me with the allure of strange lands. No, today, i ventured to that strange place only previously known as “The Back of The Fridge”. And i have to tell you, it’s a scary place. There are things that lurk there, in the dark. And they ooze. I suppose it serves me right for wanting adventure and excitement and something naughty to eat. But there are things there that should not be disturbed. And i soon wished that i hadn’t. Before long i was slaying demonic slush producing ‘things’ and pouring them away to oblivion, down the drain, down the sink, down the beagles and down the back of the sofa. It was like an early 70s Dr Who episode, but without a screaming girl. Oh wait. I might have actually screamed a bit myself. Anyway, they’re gone now.
Or are they :-$
Tomorrow i have to make arrangements with some trades people for them to undertake some property maintenance work. And not for the first time this week i find myself asking, “What’s the worst that can happen”?
Tuesday 19th August – eDay+2
Well i find myself asking just how does one report no news. It really is a slow or rather no, news day. The beagles have behaved. The cat hasn’t left home. The fish haven’t died. The oven has behaved. The washing machine has behaved and the dishwasher has behaved. None of them has gone wrong, no incidents remain unreported. A boring day. Oh sure it’s not over just yet. I was going to go to the Watford munch, but it’s quite a long way away and i’m really trying to save petrol at the moment. So it’s a plate of oven chips and a bit of a lonely evening in front of the TV watching ‘Maestro’ for me tonight. A rather boring entry, but then again, i seriously doubt that anyone’s following it anyway.
Wednesday 20th August – eDay+3
Bugger! It appears that despite my best efforts to make yesterday sound as dull as gripe water, some people are actually still reading this. Have you no lives to be getting on with? No people to hit or suck up to? I’m tempted to offer the obvious line: “This is a local blog for local people, there’s nothing to see here”. Except that today that wouldn’t be quite true. And i can honestly blame the Gas Board. You see they called round to read the meter and as our gas meter is in the back garden (go figure) they had to be led through the house. It had not escaped my attention that once again, they’d forgotten to bring the goat. Anyway, to cut a long story short, the back door key is now missing (and the door is locked). Thankfully i am previously from Harrow and Ingrid and i live in Wimbledon, which means we’re posh and have a patio door. But we’re still without a back door key. I blame the beagles – they’re obviously determined to have ‘fun’ at my expense.
But then the day, for me at least, got much more interesting. I first of all fell foul of the 2012 Olympics. Well what i mean is, that i knew where i wanted to go, but was constantly thwarted by a whole lump of London, now closed off, which i needed to penetrate and which is now called Olympic Park (it ain’t on any map)! Anyway, finally, i was with the lady i’d arranged to meet ;). And my cares drifted away as we laughed and chatted. I was aware obviously of her constant strokes, her rapid wrist movements, her constant glances and my steadfast concentration. It was intense, yet strangely relaxing – apparently for both of us. I should explain that i’d been booked by an artist to sit for her. Well sit and stand and adopt a couple of other poses (i tried to talk her out of the hands on hips pose, but she insisted it wouldn’t look too camp). Eventually once she has ‘got to know my face’ she’ll want to produce a portrait (gawd help her)! Any first session between artist and model can sometimes be awkward with uncertainly on both sides, but this was a very positive experience for both of us and she seemed genuinely happy with what she got out of it. I’ll be back there again in a few days for a longer sitting.
Got home to find that Gas Board man has not been back to burgle the house and therefore i think it’s safe to assume he hasn’t got the missing key. Looks like i’m lock picking tomorrow.
And finally tonight, news has reached me that Ingrid has been ‘upon a camel today’. I’m sure all of you will join me in wishing the camel concerned our deepest sympathy at what must be for it, a very difficult time. You now have until next weekend to polish up your camel jokes (“How many Dommes does it take to reverse park a camel” – that sort of thing). (Hint: you automatically lose 50 points for any ‘hump’ reference).
Thursday 21st August – eDay+4
Well what an interesting predicament. More glee-infused hand-rubbing is occurring. You see, late last night i received a telephone message from the All-Knowing Domly One, who is in a spot of bother. (I’m doing my best to hide the sniggering – how am i doing)? It seems that there’s some problem with her travellers cheques and she needs me to go and put some money into her bank account so that she can access it later today. (If the ‘smug’ is starting to show, please tell me). So, our first ‘phone vote i think. The question is : “How should Sev show his ‘appreciation’ at being left at home alone whilst The Skint but Domly One enjoys the foreign sunshine. Should he :
- a) Deposit a grand into her account so that she can enjoy her remaining holiday to the full and bring back expensive gifts
- b) Deposit two pounds into her account in a character building attempt to make her more frugal
- c) Leave her penniless until she’s carted off to rot in some foreign jail, pausing only briefly to sell the film rights
- d) Sell the beagles to pay for her “lavish holidaying without her sub” lifestyle
And the best bit is, that you can decide by voting here! You can vote as many times as you like and it’s completely free and anonymous.
Well as i sit here now, late into the evening, supping Cognac served by Norwegian virgins, news is reaching me that things are not going well on the Club Extradition 18-30s package holiday. It appears that my lovely Domely One has contracted some sort of illness. She has a terrible sore throat and a bad cough. Still, she sounds very very sexy so it’s not all bad. After her encounters with The Camel earlier in the week, i can only conclude that she has a mild case on Anthrax. We should pray now.
Oh and in other news, the back door key has turned up. It was of course, in the fridge.
Friday 22nd August – eDay+5
Good grief. It’s Friday. And (as i think you’ll agree if you’ve read this far) i’ve had a very boring week – well apart from visiting Melanie the artist! As that has been my only real interaction with a human being this week, i’m beginning to go a bit mental. I was planning on going to two munchii this week (Watford and Croydon) but i have a bit of a problem about crowded places. I wanted to go to the munches, but didn’t feel brave enough to actually go in. A bit daft i suppose. So anyway, tonight, i plan on going down to CCK and even started a thread to advertise my intent. Of course starting a thread to say that i’m going, is a far cry from actually being brave enough to actually go in – actually. It seems that the older i get, the more shy and nervous about meeting people i get. Most bizarre. Oh bugger. I forgot that this was supposed to be a humerus insight into the goings on of the week.
On a lighter note, The Husky Domme is feeling a lot better today, having taken a year’s worth of antibiotics overnight. When i say ‘Husky’ i was referring to her voice, not her lovely glossy coat. I just thought i’d make that clear.
Well i went along to CCK for what might well be the penultimate Fetish Friday night. The good news for CCK is that it was very busy. I knew a couple of people but didn’t really know the majority. But i’m glad for CCK’s sake that it was busy. And everyone seemed to be having a really good time – there was even some rope in use.
Saturday 23rd August – eDay+6
I’m not sure why, but i had it in my head to give myself a treat and go to ST. I knew it would be a huge gamble – would i know anyway? Would there be anyone for me to talk to? Would anyone want to play? And then fate, who hadn’t been invited, decided to intervene and i got a ‘phone call from half of a lovely couple, asking if they could come along and bring a whole group of other lovely people – most of whom i knew. So to cut a long story involving a pizza, a mad Scottish taxi driver (who obviously had a bit of Jackie Stewart in his blood) and watching a gorgeous near naked girl repeatedly wrap and unwrap herself in a flimsy piece of material – the final effect of which was amazing (she scrubs up rather well) i ended up at ST, with a mini-bus full of pervs.
I discovered many delights. For instance:
- I discovered that when i beckon with one finger for a gorgeous girl in a red dress to come and be ensnared by me and dangled on the end of an electric winch – that she’ll do it without question (Dom/mes must just love that sort of power).
- I discovered that the same beckoning figure, when adorned by the evil glove with evil spikes all over it, can look quite menacing to any poor individual who’s lucky enough to be tied to St.Andrews cross, even if i offer to lube said finger first (note to self – telling people it’s called the “Wanking Glove”, scares them ;)).
- I discovered that a pretty bottom in a red dress is actually quite spankable, but that delving beneath it and tickling is far far more evil – and enjoyable for me.
- I discovered that nice, polite, quite Americans that just come to parties and take everything in, when they do decide they want to join in, can be very very evil indeed.
- I discovered that the most stunning outfits can’t be bought. They’re made from random lengths of transparent material, a length of rope and a flower in the hair.
- I discovered that it’s very sensible to wear a pair of knickers under one’s shorts, even if you’re not planning to play, because you never know when others will just pounce on you and rip them off.
- I discovered that lots of my friends seem to like to hit me, for no good reason other than my little shorts have Velcro up each side and can just be ripped off with no warning.
- I discovered that it’s really scary to see a very orderly line (how us British love to queue for everything) of Dommes, Doms, Switches and Subs, all choosing an implement and waiting to have their go – AND THEN GOING ROUND AGAIN!!
- I discovered that apparently i have no say whatsoever in who hits me or when.
- I discovered that i can recognise the silly grin on the face of girl who’s just been ‘roped’ and who is in a very happy place and it makes me want to hold her – or in this case, get her water.
- I discovered that on the whole, life’s pretty damn good and that my ass stings hours later.
It really was a brilliant night, and i just hope i can remember the names of all the people i met for the first time. Thank you to everyone who was involved and who came up to say ‘hi’. If you did, then do drop me a memo to prod me 😉 Also i want to know who’s reading this, because the hit-count just keeps going up and up! Bizarre. So come on people, say ‘hi’ and tell me why you really are sooooo bored that you’ve resorted to reading this. Actually someone came up to me @ ST and said nice things about this blog – but i didn’t get their IC name 😦 – do say ‘hi’ ;).
Sunday 24th August – eDay+7
And so. Well if this had been a lecture (and let’s face it it’s been hard work at times) we’d be showing the slide that recaps what we’ve learnt. We’d be looking back at our initial slide of objectives to see if we’ve met those that we’d set out with. We’d be offering you a discount if you bought the book, the home-study kit, the t-shirt, the DVD and the promotional dildo, at today’s one-off special price before you left (oh actually that’s not a bad idea) (the book, not the dildo). (Oh how about the special promotional beagle – last two left)? (Shit)! (I know we did have two). (Better do a stock check). (How does it go, “Count the paw and divide by four”). Nah, she won’t notice, she’ll be soooo busy thanking me for looking after the house and (shit)! (The house). (Well maybe she won’t remember what it DID look like).
However you may remember that on Thursday, we started a poll to see how the very lovely Ingrid (he said, in no way sucking up to her just because she’s back soon) should be ‘helped’ from her financial predicament. Well initially the polls were very cruel, opting for beagle-selling, frugal lessons and spot in jail. But (and slightly suspiciously) the tables have turned over the last day or so, with the majority opting for the decision for me to give a big wedge of money to spend. I suspect foul play and multiple-voting.
However in true BBC style, the result of the poll had already been decided and Ingrid will now be called Milfy, as chosen by some random teenager who happened to be passing at the time. Oh, and i gave her the grand – i’m expecting huge presents (obviously that’ll be before she does a pets head count)!
Later tonight (well very early tomorrow morning to be pedantic), if nothing goes according to plan, Ingrid will be returned to the UK, allowed to enter the country again. Another opportunity missed by the authorities.
My role is simple. I will arrive at the airport and shed the obligatory tear before whisking her home and hoping she doesn’t notice any evidence of merriment which the house might still be cluttered with.
I can’t help thinking that the next poll should be “Where should we send her next and for how long”. Any thoughts?
Well after a short take off delay because there was a dog lose on the runway, she’s now airborne. Apparently she’s had no internet access all week (I wish i’d known that earlier). I suppose really i should delete this diary now, it’s served its purpose – i.e. made me laugh, and rather bizarrely, made a few others laugh as well.
And so week of solitude, near starvation, posing for artists and being mistaken for some sort of painslut, is over. The dogs i’m sure will be pleased to see Ingrid back home. Their diet has been – well random to say the least. Who’d have thought that beagles would enjoy a big bowl of …. oh hang, She might read this ….. erm ….dog food!
Must dash, i’ve a plane to be late for.
(c) Severin 2008