I’m beginning to realise that the main problem with the difficulties that i’m going through at the moment, is the constant change in my degree of (un)happiness. It’s like being on a see-saw, constantly going right up and then plummeting right down again. Except that i’m blindfolded and the other person keeps getting on and off. So that i never know when i’m going to shoot up or drop down. I can go from really pleased about something to really low in a moment.
Yesterday for instance, whilst up in the air i wrote this and was quite happy for a while and then a few hours later, one email sent me crashing back down again. But that’s my fault, not the email sender’s. I use the example simply to illustrate the point. At the moment my emotions only know extremes, there’s nothing in the middle.
But a couple of days ago, whilst down in the depths of despair, i wrote this. In it i wrote of the need to push someone away, someone very dear who needed protecting from the misery that continued contact with me would undoubtedly bring.
Well it seems an addendum is required. You see she’s mucked up my plan by refusing to go. I just can’t seem to get rid of her. She refuses to denounce me and leave me alone even though i’m quite sure her husband probably thinks she should. Instead she is insisting on sticking by me. For some reason known only to herself, her maker and quite possibly her team of
quack crack* psychiatrists, she believes that there’s still something good in me, some reason to believe in me.
* I know, i made a funny in the midst of all this, go figure!
I can’t see it myself, but then, that’s the point. She can. And right now i’ll trust anyone’s judgement other than my own.
So the highs and lows will probably continue until i figure out what’s going on, but at least i know that now, there’s one single person who wants to hold me and make everything all right. And hopefully over the weekend she’ll get the chance.