Now as one or two dear listeners might already know, I’m not a great fan of masturbation for the sake of it. I’m not your average wanker (oh shut up, yes i know exactly what you’re all saying). No, i’m not a typical guy who is happy to undergo self-stimulation whenever the opportunity “arises”. I’ve never been one to buy The Sun, open it to page three and think “Oh my, what enormous ‘jugs’ this lady has, but did not this page open too easily? I must do what i can to make it sticky and her size GG ‘puppies’ are just what i need”.
I’ve never said that. Although I’m sure those chaps that frequent bars and garages and soccer stadia are only too happy to “knock one over” as i believe the current expression is as soon as they open the newspaper.
No, for me, masturbation has to be planned. It has to be prepared for. I’m probably more like a woman in that i like my masturbation to be a beautiful thing that enriches me and makes me feel wonderful rather than some dash to a grunting, grotesque, sticky conclusion.
The preparations will include making myself lovely and clean and fresh in every conceivable place and when possible, smooth as well. If my hands and fingers are to go a-roaming, i want them to feel smooth flesh. The room in which this event (for it is indeed an event) has to be warm enough so that i can be unfettered by quilt or clothing and light enough that i can get a good view of everything that i’m doing.
Sometimes props might be called for, depending on just how dirty and slutty i’m feeling. These could include lube and maybe a small insertable toy, although i’m not telling you what else might be involved and i’m certainly not going to tell you the contents of my vegetable rack!
Now as i’ve said, this is actually a very rare event – a few times a year at most. Usually i prefer to have an audience or for it to be a part of some mutually wet and rewarding activity.
But today was different. Today i was on my own but i’d been asked to make myself cum. And due to the way in which it was asked and my feelings towards the person asking, i was happy to oblige.
Preparations were made, the stage was set, all was in place. Today was going to be a simpler session than some others have been, no lube or toys would be required. Instead, just my mind was required. Well ok, my mind and my left hand.
Finally i settled into position and began. The images in my mind were already prepared, like a well-thought out PowerPoint presentation. Surely this was to be an orgasm to savour. What could possibly go wrong?
Well i’ll tell you exactly what could go wrong. Remember the saying “The best laid plans of mince and men”?
Firstly the dogs decided that they were bored and wanted to either play or destroy the house. Then the cat decided that he was missing out on something but just wasn’t sure what and so began to scratch at the carpet outside the door whilst shrieking in a pitiful yet “If you don’t stop neglecting me i’ll call the Cat’s Protection League” kind of way. I swear he has their number.
The house ‘phone rang to enquire if i’d like to take part in just a little survey, nothing to try and sell me they just wanted a few minutes of my time. “I haven’t got a few minutes because i’m trying to masturbate” i informed the lady. Adding that she was welcome to stay on the line but i wasn’t going to stop. She hung up.
And then i’m guessing some sort of bright neon sign above the house lit up, because every delivery and Post Office driver this side of Nantucket (which as we all know is the Spirit of Massachusetts) decide to pop round for a natter and to collect my autograph. (The irony of the fact that if i’d been using lube then all of their pens and scanners would have gotten mighty sticky did not escape me)!
So having fed the dogs, fussed the cat, pandered to the lady-on-the-‘phone-who-didn’t-want-to-listen-to-my-orgasm-in-the-middle-of-a-survey, signed my life away at the door, i finally settled down to begin the slow process of getting my head in the right frame of ……
And that’s when my alarm went off telling me it was time to get ready to go out.
It total it was about seven hours between being told to make myself cum and finally being able to get on with it. But of course when i did it was worth it. I held a lovely and hot and very filthy image in my head and an equally lovely and hot image that i’d taken with my ‘phone a couple of weeks earlier, in my hand.
But come on, next time, next time i’m planning on having me some solo orgasmic fun, i’m leaving the house. Going somewhere the dogs can’t find me, where the couriers can’t disturb me.
I’m thinking Ikea, what do you think?
Addedum added on 11th March 2011
And a brilliantly funny footnote to this, is that i ran this blog post through a site that analyses whether its been written by a man or a woman. The result, 81% Woman!