Sitting on my own every evening since my lover went away for Christmas, has given me time to think. Time to ponder some truths and reconsider some of my perceived realities.

My girl misses me, I know she does because she tells me so. But really, why would she? Why should she? It’s the end of the year, a year in which I’ve achieved absolutely nothing. Ok so I haven’t failed at much, but the achievement score is still a big fat zero.

My girl is special. She’s educated, she’s intelligent, she’s an achiever and she also happens to be very very pretty. She could have any man she wanted and a fair few women too. So why on earth would she want to stick with a big time loser like me? Ok so I can occasionally make her laugh, well I believe every village idiot and court jester has that skill and anybody who has seen me naked has usually ended up laughing, so that hardly counts as an achievement in itself.

Oh don’t get me wrong, I’m not going anywhere. I made her a promise that I’d be here when she gets back and I will be, I just can’t really understand why she’d actually want me to be.

And of course now you’re waiting for the funny punch line, maybe you’re hoping for an amusing anecdote about the Christmas tree. Because that’s what people have come to expect from me; a turn as the court jester and hey, maybe that’s all that I’m actually good for.

So why the panicking now I hear you ask? Well I fear that sooner or later she’ll find me out. She will see through the comedy exterior and realise that underneath, there’s nothing, well nothing of any substance anyway. I don’t know why she hasn’t got bored of me before now. I suppose I should enjoy it while it lasts, because sooner of later, everyone gives up on me. Her resilience might mean it lasts a little longer, but in the end, can it really be any different?

There are so many worthwhile people in the world, people who make a contribution, who makes people’s lives better, who improve the world around them. I do none of those things and it can only be a matter of time before she realises this. So yes, I’m panicking. Panicking that I’ll get found out, uncovered and exposed as a waste of space.

Sorry, no witty punchline today, just morbid introspective.

About severin

Nobody special and what I write might not be to everyone's taste - it tends to be a bit naughty. so you've been warned.
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8 Responses to Panicking

  1. Woman says:

    You’re an idiot.

    And not the village idiot either.

    You’ve lots to contribute to people. I cannot speak for Faile, but I can speak for myself.

    You are an open man who is willing to explore his own sexuality and explain it to us. That alone makes you different from so many others. That shows a willingness to help others by explaining what you go through not only physically, but emotionally and mentally as well.

    I know you have helped me out explaining things in a way I can understand when it comes to bdsm and your lead. I was shocked and couldn’t grasp the concept and was so put out that I was ready to never read your blog again. I read your words, and I still cannot fully wrap my head around the idea, but I have a better idea of why people might need something like this. And that is owed towards you.

    Every feels their own self worth is not good enough for the people we are with that we care about. We cannot fully grasp why they would choose to be associated or care about us. We are not as clever, creative, compassionate, willing or anything as they are, so why would they choose to be with the likes of us? Bottom line. It’s not your choice for her to want to be with you. It’s her choice.

  2. Faile says:

    The temptation to lift this for my blog and swap girl for boy is very strong.
    Trust that I see something much more than the court jester (although he’s pretty special and if I ever find a rubber motley he is so wearing it 🙂 ) and what I see I love.
    I remain confused but grateful that you love me.
    For the rest, time will show my constancy more than words ever can.

    Faile xxx xxx

  3. TemptingSweets99 says:

    You described her as “special” and “intelligent”, so she KNOWS and recognizes that you’re one of those “many worthwhile people in the world”. She knows a good thing when she sees it. Now stopping thinking so much. Go water the tree again, watch a nice, sappy holiday movie (like ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’, and think good thoughts like what she’ll do to your boy cunt when she returns. ;-D

  4. Perrin says:

    Silly boy. You have so much to offer, your love and friendship, both to Faile, myself and others.
    You have achieved a great deal this year, and I’m confident you will achieve much more this coming year.

    Thank you, my friend.

  5. Rebel says:

    The long dark days around Christmas make one ponder about one’s life. Sometimes our own thoughts are responsible for making us down, pulling us into a downward spriral. I am with TemptingSweet99 – your girl is special and intelligent and you say that you have promised her you will be there when she gets back. That means she WANTS you to be there when she gets back. That means that in her own way, she needs you to be there. She chooses to be with you, which means that even if you don’t see or feel it, you are special too! Each of us is special in our own way. So are you! *hugs*

  6. i wish there were more people like you in the world…ahhhh, what a wonderful view that would make.

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