Sitting on my own every evening since my lover went away for Christmas, has given me time to think. Time to ponder some truths and reconsider some of my perceived realities.
My girl misses me, I know she does because she tells me so. But really, why would she? Why should she? It’s the end of the year, a year in which I’ve achieved absolutely nothing. Ok so I haven’t failed at much, but the achievement score is still a big fat zero.
My girl is special. She’s educated, she’s intelligent, she’s an achiever and she also happens to be very very pretty. She could have any man she wanted and a fair few women too. So why on earth would she want to stick with a big time loser like me? Ok so I can occasionally make her laugh, well I believe every village idiot and court jester has that skill and anybody who has seen me naked has usually ended up laughing, so that hardly counts as an achievement in itself.
Oh don’t get me wrong, I’m not going anywhere. I made her a promise that I’d be here when she gets back and I will be, I just can’t really understand why she’d actually want me to be.
And of course now you’re waiting for the funny punch line, maybe you’re hoping for an amusing anecdote about the Christmas tree. Because that’s what people have come to expect from me; a turn as the court jester and hey, maybe that’s all that I’m actually good for.
So why the panicking now I hear you ask? Well I fear that sooner or later she’ll find me out. She will see through the comedy exterior and realise that underneath, there’s nothing, well nothing of any substance anyway. I don’t know why she hasn’t got bored of me before now. I suppose I should enjoy it while it lasts, because sooner of later, everyone gives up on me. Her resilience might mean it lasts a little longer, but in the end, can it really be any different?
There are so many worthwhile people in the world, people who make a contribution, who makes people’s lives better, who improve the world around them. I do none of those things and it can only be a matter of time before she realises this. So yes, I’m panicking. Panicking that I’ll get found out, uncovered and exposed as a waste of space.
Sorry, no witty punchline today, just morbid introspective.