At first this post was going to be called “I squirt, you squirt, we squirt” in some vague homage to the art of conjugation, but as you can see, I opted for something a little less obscure.
You see dear listener, last evening I ventured into what we in England call a ‘public house’ an establishment which our lovely cousins across the pond might refer to as a ‘bar’ (and while we’re on the subject, how lovely to see Sarah Palin back in the news, backing Mr Trump – he must be thrilled, the White House must surely be his for the taking now).
I entered this place of drink and merriment despite knowing that it would contain a group of kinky perverts (for I’d hate you all to think that that was WHY I went there in the first place – I mean, I’m misunderstood don’t you know)!
One of the topics of conversation that came up was breast milk. A lovely lady who happens to be the owner of two rather lovely breasts (alas I’ve only seen pictures) made the observation that it seems that we as humans, appear to be unique in that, after infancy, we only tend to drink the milk of other species. At which point, my three ears pricked up (ok so technically one of them wasn’t actually an ear, but rest assured three things pricked up)!
You see my delicious squidgy ones, I have always been fascinated with breast milk (and to be fair, what man isn’t if we’re honest (thus proving that I’m normal)).
Whenever I see a woman breastfeeding in public, I go through a sort of mental checklist, which goes like this:
- I’m pleased that she feels able to do this and not have to hide away, after all, it’s just a baby having something to eat.
- I must smile an encouraging smile, which hopefully might offset some of the negativity which she doubtless gets occasionally.
- I mustn’t smile too much. Or for too long. I mustn’t freak her out or make her think I’m weird. Drawing up a chair for a better look therefore is right out.
- Although … she doesn’t seem to be using the other one and I wonder if she’d mind if I asked for a drink.
- I wonder why she’s calling for security?
- I wonder if it’ll be the same judge again, he was nice.
The point is, that I fantasise (sometimes) about not just sucking, but suckling. And getting milk. I think I’d love that. And now, thanks to last night, it’s my new current obsession. So any lactating ladies who don’t mind feeding a man, or just tying me down and squirting me in the face, let me know. I’m just a normal guy after all.
Finally, I really really hope that now when folk Google for Sarah Palin or Donald Trump, that they end up here. I know, perverse. So spank me?