Following recent scandalous reports in various media, I feel duty bound to put my version of events before you. I leave you to judge which is the most credible.
Being that rare mix of creatures – that of a holy, pious and righteous man yet also a man of the times and of the people, my life is sometimes a mixture of both the simple and the pleasurable.
Such was the case when recently the Bishop came to tea. As is often the case when persons of a liturgical nature visit, I opted to entertain with simple, biblical fare yet with a modern twist. Hence my loaves and fishes offering, actually became pizza with anchovies.
Realising that our efforts to warm the house through for our visitor by raising the thermostat to its maximum had gone too far, I was forced to avoid getting too hot and bothered by the simple act of stripping naked. Our guest seemed not to notice, so all was well. I was sure the evening would be a great success.
As our simple meal was now ready, we ushered our guest into the lounge area of our simple yet palatial abode. It was then that I realised that a great misunderstanding was on the cards. For you see dear listener, the previous evening some terrible sinners had met there and one of that number had produced something that I am led to believe is called a “dildo”. The large blue phallic object was now sitting proud in the middle of the floor. Surely our distinguished guest would notice it. Questions would be asked, an explanation would be required. My future place in the hierarchy of the church questioned and my place amongst the saints put into jeopardy. There was nothing for it, it had to be hidden, and hidden quickly.
Being a man of both quick thought and one of great personal sacrifice when it is called for, I took a deep breath . . . and sat straight down upon the enormous object. It filled and stretched me. It made me gasp and make other strange noises. Our guest assumed I was beginning some mystical chant and joined in. Soon there was rhythmic swaying was introduced. Mistress placed a slice of the pizza before me to distract me, but our guest was enthusiastically singing and swaying and encouraging me to do the same. My cunt was still full of the object that I was impaled on. The swaying continued. and chanting increased, the rhythm increased until suddenly and without warning . . . I orgasmed right onto the pizza.
Mistress, who had been observing the whole episode, encouraged me not to waste food but to eat up all of my pizza and being that most goodly (and pious remember) of boys, I did as I was told.
Once our guest had eaten his fill and my place in the papal line of succession assured, we bid him good-night, saw him on his way into the night with a cheery wave and retired to bed, Mistress running ahead with glee, me following behind, unable to walk very fast.